What am I
and
What have I become?
I ask these questions
once in a while…
whenever I feel like running
from what I need to do.
whenever i feel the burden
and the fear returning…
and I tell you,
it keeps returning!
I never got the answers…
but …
i am here.
and ..
you know!
Stop!
Don’t judge me yet.
I weep in words,
The tear-circus is out of town,
Its been too long.
And would you notice?
that,
I bleed for relief,
from patches of happiness and sorrow, and
search for darkness,
in this emotional de-light.
I believe in the fate that
has been constructed for me –
walls and closed doors,
and bewitched eyes.
Green is as green as that paint on the wall,
pain is as painful as eye can see and hear.
But wait,
don’t judge me yet!
To lose is one thing,
to give up is one thing,
being hopeless is another,
to die doesn’t matter… but …
To come to a world that –
greets you with expectations,
breeds you to be useful,
feeds you with emotions,
tames you with greed –
… and … To carve your own way
through this desert
and not leave a trace,
that would be some life!
Now!
Every tree, green and yellow
are now
grayed out by the snow.
the hills have suddenly
grown older –
look wiser.
Watching the fields, with seeds of life –
lying underneath –
awaiting patiently
for their turn to rise
with the sun,
gives me a strange sense of relief.
I look at them from within
a running van.
My mind races faster
My heart, sometimes
skipping a beat.
An anticipated defeat.
But then, I bear a calm face.
The snow covered fields
give me comfort,
not joy – just comfort.
and with every spin of the wheels
I feel closer to them.
Forever can’t be
never, ask me,
clever – i am, not.
graver made
the frost
to rust, so…
it melt into
red
water,
that washed
away – our trust.
now i sit here
watching, … what …
b u d u t g t e
o n s o e h r
create a river
b e t w e e n u s.
and … i see no boat;
i see no bridge.
just forever, ahead of me
but… it just can’t be
never, ask me
though –
clever I am, not!
what goes in must come out
what is done shall be undone
every thing that happens
every fuckin event
is just another form of energy
constantly changing itself
and as is said
can never be created,
nor destroyed
So if u r happy all the time
u’d want to be sad
and if u’r sad all the time
u’r doomed to get mad
there’s nothing better
nothing worse
there’s a world in madness itself…
its just that we’re afraid to explore…
I stand alone
weathered, dust and bones;
death has long gone
and life is yet to come.
Broken veins standing out,
piercing me deep
yet i feel no pain;
resurrection – it seems but a long rest,
a bait!
Yet i’m not tired to wait;
what else has a dead wood to do,
but wait?
If you find me beautiful,
so i am.
Put me in your doorway,
polish me green,
let me be seen!
I will look at you when I open my eyes again.
Truth is the devil, that lurks behind our lies.
What would you do to prove that you’re right?
well, i…
i’d find all the holes in you
make some more if i have to
to pour it inside you!
i’d shout, at the top of my voice
or give you a gaze through a pair of icy cold eyes
the kinda one that sends chills down your spine
until you become ready to take it in
until you beg for the warmth of words,
then i’d give it to you
bit by bit – the truth.
All this, if you vex me
If not, all you get is a smile
or a pat on your back:
“Everyone gets a version of truth;
you’ll get it someday”…
Like … death
It’s a truth, ain’t it?
When i’m meditating
i’m not thinking
i’m doing things...
something that i’m not doing
such is the power of mind!
Deep into the dark, green forest
is an endless sea.
and standing in the middle , with my hands tied to the clouds
it is me!
Watching the waves that strike gently
into the rocks that laugh at me.
i wonder, wat is there
to evoke such thunderous laughter.
The breath sucking thirst, and the schorching heat
the vastness of life and not a soul to see!
The age old boat, with the skeleton of the thief .
They all look so well to me.
They all look so good to me!
And, the waves and the endless sea,
they seem to be at peace with me.
i’m looking into this world,
to find me a soul
that would hold, my heart
and lead me… out of this misery
sometimes i feel old
with my stories untold,
while i sit with you
enjoying your company
i’m watching time fly by
and soar beyond the horizon
until my mind tires.
i’ve lost my sense of emotion!
A wish:
If i could see
through your eyes,
i know beauty
could never hide.
imagine the spirits that arise to tingle your thoughts,
a mere curiosity,
a simple phenomenon that drags us blind with fear
but all that is there
are broken promises,
broken hearts,
unbroken walls,
that blocked the desire
cheers to the ghost
an honest toast
in memory of the life that seems to be wasted
in the hope of it being arrested
by the infinity
i will be there when it happens!
If you recall everything,
but still seem to lose your mind.
If you are running away from life,
and leave your shadow behind.
If you see your destiny, but
can’t go any closer.
And if you have to scream with terror,
when you can’t find your reflection in the mirror!
you will know…
that you are a complete stranger!
I was fishing,
In the sky for my dreams,
The moon is my bait
With the starlight glittering –
On the surface.
And the waves of clouds,
Sweeping them away,
Or maybe,
Hiding them from my sight,
For a while.
Then,
All of a sudden,
Blood fills the sky.
The sun eats my moon!
Innocent Devil!
i wish,
when you sneak up to me,
and whisper
those beautiful dreams,
i could smell your skin.
i would grab your arm,
and roll over
to give you some space…
in my cold stone-bed.
Then i hear you scream –
from the sudden frigid chill,
upon your skin!
My deepest fear!
My worst nightmare!
Everytime i see you,
i try to say how much i love you
but you never listen to me,
You’ll never understand…
Everytime you fall down,
i try to lift you up
but you never notice me
you never hold my hand
When you are lonely,
i try to give you company
but you never talk to me,
you don’t even smile.
And when you cry baby,
i try to cheer you up
but you never feel the comfort
you never stop..
Everytime you think of me,
i stand right beside you,
but you never look at me,
don’t see where i stand.
And when you are in pain,
i try to hold you in my arms,
but you never feel me baby,
coz i’m a dead man!
Yeah, i’m a dead man baby,
walkin around you all the time.
can’t lift you when you fall
can’t be there when you call
Yeah, a dead man baby
can’t even hold your hand
a dead, dead man darlin,
i hope you understand…
you saw me sneaking, you saw me hide
you watched me suffer, you made me cry
now bitch!
watch this!
while i give it a try
you will be grateful if you die!
ha!
so you thought you could run?
you thought you could hide?
nah!
death cannot be your alibi
’til you see my vengeance
’til you feel my pride!
i look at myself,
standing in the mirror
a thought enters
what if i could
melt into the glass
and walk onto the other side?
i would enjoy the sight of me standing
i would love to wink at me
smile for a while
and walk away
just a thought…
don’t sway
i’m fed up with your lies!
give me hope to fly
or
give me a reason to die
Death!
Wait!
don’t kiss me goodbye
let me close my eyes.
let me decide.
i will follow you if i have to.
Lights of eternity
fade away slowly
into the darkness – so full of mystery.
Fights of humanity
keep me awake
eyes wide open – under this lonely tree.
i watch,
the rays
that erode the fields of darkness
and wonder
will these ever touch me?
So many questions –
concentrated,
left unanswered.
But i let them pass
into my thoughts anyway.
Don’t know where they go.
Shadows,
what are these?
a friend so shy and lonely?
lurking around me…
in the bright light!
spying upon my soul,
for those
above and beyond me?
it amazes me the most
how they can hide…
in the dark and in the light!
Awsiv - All we seek is vanity 