Fossil

The  body never stops you from doing anything that you can.

Its your mind  that holds you back

Like a rock tied to your timeline.

You drag it all the  way; no escape.

The heaviest part –

the darkest patch of memory

that sucks in your desires like a black hole

lives there happily.

So strong that you can almost feel it

as if it were a seed,

stuck in its growth

fossilized, and buried with the remains of the past.

I know

What am I
and
What have I become?

I ask these questions
once in a while…

whenever I feel like running
from what I need to do.

whenever i feel the burden
and the fear returning…

and I tell you,
it keeps returning!

I never got the answers…
but …
i am here.
and ..
you know!

Some life

Stop!
Don’t judge me yet.
I weep in words,
The tear-circus is out of town,
Its been too long.
And would you notice?
that,
I bleed for relief,
from patches of happiness and sorrow, and
search for darkness,
in this emotional de-light.

I believe in the fate that
has been constructed for me –
walls and closed doors,
and bewitched eyes.
Green is as green as that paint on the wall,
pain is as painful as eye can see and hear.
But wait,
don’t judge me yet!
To lose is one thing,
to give up is one thing,
being hopeless is another,
to die doesn’t matter… but …
To come to a world that –
greets you with expectations,
breeds you to be useful,
feeds you with emotions,
tames you with greed –
… and … To carve your own way
through this desert
and not leave a trace,
that would be some life!
Now!

Fields of snow

Every tree, green and yellow
are now
grayed out by the snow.
the hills have suddenly
grown older –
look wiser.
Watching the fields, with seeds of life –
lying underneath –
awaiting patiently
for their turn to rise
with the sun,
gives me a strange sense of relief.

I look at them from within
a running van.
My mind races faster
My heart, sometimes
skipping a beat.
An anticipated defeat.
But then, I bear a calm face.

The snow covered fields
give me comfort,
not joy – just comfort.
and with every spin of the wheels
I feel closer to them.

Disconnected

i know it always has to be me
have to come running after you
you might look at me as if i were a beggar
that’s why you don’t notice me
sometimes i feel, that i love you too much
but maybe all of this,
it’s not enough
‘coz you don’t say anything at all
and it seems, to me, that you don’t care
so confused

Forever can’t be

Forever can’t be
never, ask me,
clever – i am, not.

graver made
the frost
to rust, so…
it melt into
          red

water,
that washed
away – our trust.

now i sit here
watching, … what …

b   u   d      u     t     g    t      e
   o   n        s       o    e     h     r

create a river

b e t w e e n                          u s.

and … i see no boat;
i see no bridge.

just forever, ahead of me

but… it just can’t be
never, ask me
though –

clever I am, not!

Painful Grateful

If everyone got what they deserved,
the world would be a different place
it could be better
it could be worse
but it would be different, that’s for sure

some say, if you hang on, you might see the truth
don’t stop trying, never quit
some say, if you move along, you might find your way
don’t try too much in vain
well I wonder, if everyone got what they wanted
would they ever be satisfied with what they’d have?

i just believe that every person has
so much pain inside that
you’d never imagine that he’d ever laughed
that’s it
if you search for pain,
it comes to you
if you keep looking,
you’ll see it in you,
and everyone around you

me – it narrows down the world
lets me concentrate
happiness (as i look for it) has kept on spoiling me – constantly
it gives me too many options
gives me a sense of a fake pride
keeps me confused
pain, it gives me just one reason – life.

Just a thought

what goes in must come out

what is done shall be undone

every thing that happens

every fuckin event

is just another form of energy

constantly changing itself

and as is said

can never be created,

nor destroyed

So if u r happy all the time

u’d want to be sad

and if u’r sad all the time

u’r doomed to get mad

there’s nothing better

nothing worse

there’s a world in madness itself…

its just that we’re afraid to explore…

Honesty is the new ‘stupidity’

we are so much used to lies
in each and every moment of our lives
that it hurts each time
we hear the truth

if i am late,
i cannot say i was lazy
u’d probably like it
the other way
so i’d rather say
something came up
something more “important”

if you offer me
something to do
i cannot say
i don’t want to
u’d feel better
if i say
i’m workin on something else
something more “important”

so i always end up
doing this something else
this something more important
which means nothing to me
which just makes me a little more afraid
a little more guilty
a little more sad

if only i could sleep,
till 11 in the morning
and tell you that i slept over
instead of feeling bad the whole day

if only i could just sit
doing nothing
and not do what u ‘want’ me to

can i be honest and
not make u feel bad?

Tired wanderer

I wish i hadn’t woken up tonight

          like i always do,

                  chasing after you!

I can’t find my notes – my blind lines

neither my pen or a paper

to fight with the hurricane in my mind.

 

Been playin games,

on facebook for a while

and I’m getting dark ugly circles

under my eyes, and …

still, I can’t get to sleep!

Have to wake up again tomorrow,

2 am, in the dark,

and walk… 6 hours in the cold

helping people enjoy their tea

with news and business.

I have nothing to say.

I do what I have to,

I do what I can.

 

Many a times in my life,

I have thought of

a lot of things to do and …

I wind up in a different situation,

a different place.

Yet, I keep crowding my head

with all the nonsense

          that steal my peace!

Well… that’s it…

 

The light above my head,

is burning my eyes,

I can’t get a dark night,

I can’t get a warm summer,

I can’t get to walk around, hoping to get lost.

Coz’ somehow, I’ve lost myself!

This city is strange,

and I, have become a stranger, to myself.

And this time, on the other side of the world,

for the first time in my life,

I’m missing home!

Twisted singularity

Hard wired in my brain:

Happiness is when you win.

But then I hate to win all the time –

Which is one way of saying that I’m lazy.

 

Happiness is when the people you love win…

 

If I listen to what you are going through,

I would rather work to make it right.

But i hate it when i have to listen to it all night!

I get no relief.

 

Relief is when people I don’t like have to get down on their knees

ask for forgiveness for all the things they have done

or at least not bother me.

So that i can relax and never fear being challenged again!

 

But then, when I want to get things right,

The conditions aren’t always right.

The situation fails me.

 

This is complicated!

 

Everything else is trouble!

 

Which appears to be the simpler.

 

So I keep myself troubled all the time.

Solitude by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

 

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it’s mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

A sudden surge of emotion

So much in my head
So much
and I don’t know what it is!

I’m always trying to escape.

So much thoughts
So much in my mind
and I can’t get anywhere!

I am trapped!

I can’t do anything.
Emotional distress!
My heart keeps running,
constant anger,
painful irritation!
My soul keeps crying.
My eyes keep burning.

Console myself
Control myself
Scold, scold
me, me, me!

That’s all there is!

This cage!

My emotions,
fighting against me.

And what do I do?

I fall prey
and then I pray.

To whom?
I don’t know
I don’t want to believe!

I do exist,
I’m flowing with time,
like a leaf, on a river.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I like the creations of Pablo Neruda, he writes naturally, and truthfully. Like in this poem: at first read this might sound like he’s being selfish – “if you don’t love me, i won’t love you either”, and in the second read, it might sound like, he’s being lazy or he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. But, in the end, i came to realize that he’s being practical. This is the truth. Love needs support. If you love me, then i can love you. If you love starts fading away, i can try once, twice, thrice… to bring it back, but this can’t go on for long. After that, its not love… it’s regret, its pity, its anger, its frustration, its obsession, its sympathy, its everything else but love! This poem is straightforward. The poet doesn’t try to hide his emotions, even though they sound harsh. I like the tone with which the words speak out.

 

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

                                                                – Pablo Neruda

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

If i can’t find a mood to write, I sit down and read. This is how I feel right now, a wonderful poem by E.E.Cummings.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)