Time

for the last time,
I looked for some stability
something to think of besides the abnormal;
a focus for life
but it seems
things keep on happening
and i cannot help
but be inspired by these changes
and wait for them to take me somewhere

for the first time, i know
i haven’t understood myself
but
you do
let me think so
for now
i’m afraid

clarity, for some reason, doesn’t exist!

I know

What am I
and
What have I become?

I ask these questions
once in a while…

whenever I feel like running
from what I need to do.

whenever i feel the burden
and the fear returning…

and I tell you,
it keeps returning!

I never got the answers…
but …
i am here.
and ..
you know!

Cheers

The more you feel you are getting things for “free”, the weaker you get. I would like to work for what I deserve. The feeling that I have something that I don’t deserve makes me feel guilty. Of course i don’t want to work my ass off for everything in life, but for somethings, I feel I need to work hard. Otherwise, I will just use it and boast about it, and destroy it and feel bad at the end. and regret about it and try to figure out what went wrong. that’s how I pay . “TWICE”. So what is free is not free.I did work for it, you did work for it . Cheers to life !

Going through my old notes … this one touched me today:
Nothing comes for free

Pave the way for your thoughts

Small things are good to keep in your mind, but too many of those clogs our ability to think beyond what is and what can be seen. I have been flirting around with my thoughts, my ideas for a long time now and it feels quite monotonous playing with them just on my mind. Idea needs commitment to produce something. If we leave it before it matures, it withers away – just like a plant does or a relationship. Ideas need to be fed with questions and groomed with responsibility. Actions pave the way and give direction to ideas.

Some life

Stop!
Don’t judge me yet.
I weep in words,
The tear-circus is out of town,
Its been too long.
And would you notice?
that,
I bleed for relief,
from patches of happiness and sorrow, and
search for darkness,
in this emotional de-light.

I believe in the fate that
has been constructed for me –
walls and closed doors,
and bewitched eyes.
Green is as green as that paint on the wall,
pain is as painful as eye can see and hear.
But wait,
don’t judge me yet!
To lose is one thing,
to give up is one thing,
being hopeless is another,
to die doesn’t matter… but …
To come to a world that –
greets you with expectations,
breeds you to be useful,
feeds you with emotions,
tames you with greed –
… and … To carve your own way
through this desert
and not leave a trace,
that would be some life!
Now!

Fields of snow

Every tree, green and yellow
are now
grayed out by the snow.
the hills have suddenly
grown older –
look wiser.
Watching the fields, with seeds of life –
lying underneath –
awaiting patiently
for their turn to rise
with the sun,
gives me a strange sense of relief.

I look at them from within
a running van.
My mind races faster
My heart, sometimes
skipping a beat.
An anticipated defeat.
But then, I bear a calm face.

The snow covered fields
give me comfort,
not joy – just comfort.
and with every spin of the wheels
I feel closer to them.

Disconnected

i know it always has to be me
have to come running after you
you might look at me as if i were a beggar
that’s why you don’t notice me
sometimes i feel, that i love you too much
but maybe all of this,
it’s not enough
‘coz you don’t say anything at all
and it seems, to me, that you don’t care
so confused