for the last time,
I looked for some stability
something to think of besides the abnormal;
a focus for life
but it seems
things keep on happening
and i cannot help
but be inspired by these changes
and wait for them to take me somewhere
for the first time, i know
i haven’t understood myself
but
you do
let me think so
for now
i’m afraid
clarity, for some reason, doesn’t exist!
What am I
and
What have I become?
I ask these questions
once in a while…
whenever I feel like running
from what I need to do.
whenever i feel the burden
and the fear returning…
and I tell you,
it keeps returning!
I never got the answers…
but …
i am here.
and ..
you know!
The more you feel you are getting things for “free”, the weaker you get. I would like to work for what I deserve. The feeling that I have something that I don’t deserve makes me feel guilty. Of course i don’t want to work my ass off for everything in life, but for somethings, I feel I need to work hard. Otherwise, I will just use it and boast about it, and destroy it and feel bad at the end. and regret about it and try to figure out what went wrong. that’s how I pay . “TWICE”. So what is free is not free.I did work for it, you did work for it . Cheers to life !
Going through my old notes … this one touched me today:
Nothing comes for free
Small things are good to keep in your mind, but too many of those clogs our ability to think beyond what is and what can be seen. I have been flirting around with my thoughts, my ideas for a long time now and it feels quite monotonous playing with them just on my mind. Idea needs commitment to produce something. If we leave it before it matures, it withers away – just like a plant does or a relationship. Ideas need to be fed with questions and groomed with responsibility. Actions pave the way and give direction to ideas.
Stop!
Don’t judge me yet.
I weep in words,
The tear-circus is out of town,
Its been too long.
And would you notice?
that,
I bleed for relief,
from patches of happiness and sorrow, and
search for darkness,
in this emotional de-light.
I believe in the fate that
has been constructed for me -
walls and closed doors,
and bewitched eyes.
Green is as green as that paint on the wall,
pain is as painful as eye can see and hear.
But wait,
don’t judge me yet!
To lose is one thing,
to give up is one thing,
being hopeless is another,
to die doesn’t matter… but …
To come to a world that -
greets you with expectations,
breeds you to be useful,
feeds you with emotions,
tames you with greed -
… and carve your own way
through this desert
and not leave a trace,
that would be some life!
Now!
Every tree, green and yellow
are now
grayed out by the snow.
the hills have suddenly
grown older -
look wiser.
Watching the fields, with seeds of life -
lying underneath -
awaiting patiently
for their turn to rise
with the sun,
gives me a strange sense of relief.
I look at them from within
a running van.
My mind races faster
My heart, sometimes
skipping a beat.
An anticipated defeat.
But then, I bear a calm face.
The snow covered fields
give me comfort,
not joy – just comfort.
and with every spin of the wheels
I feel closer to them.
i know it always has to be me
have to come running after you
you might look at me as if i were a beggar
that’s why you don’t notice me
sometimes i feel, that i love you too much
but maybe all of this,
it’s not enough
‘coz you don’t say anything at all
and it seems, to me, that you don’t care
so confused
Forever can’t be
never, ask me,
clever – i am, not.
graver made
the frost
to rust, so…
it melt into
red
water,
that washed
away – our trust.
now i sit here
watching, … what …
b u d u t g t e
o n s o e h r
create a river
b e t w e e n u s.
and … i see no boat;
i see no bridge.
just forever, ahead of me
but… it just can’t be
never, ask me
though –
clever I am, not!
i can’t tell
whats going on
between u n me
but one thing is for sure -
my heart is burning
cut it apart now
important, it seems,
is always what others do
and I have never
wanted to relate my happiness
as a difference of what people
have to go through.
Is important necessary?
Really?
If everyone got what they deserved,
the world would be a different place
it could be better
it could be worse
but it would be different, that’s for sure
some say, if you hang on, you might see the truth
don’t stop trying, never quit
some say, if you move along, you might find your way
don’t try too much in vain
well I wonder, if everyone got what they wanted
would they ever be satisfied with what they’d have?
i just believe that every person has
so much pain inside that
you’d never imagine that he’d ever laughed
that’s it
if you search for pain,
it comes to you
if you keep looking,
you’ll see it in you,
and everyone around you
me – it narrows down the world
lets me concentrate
happiness (as i look for it) has kept on spoiling me – constantly
it gives me too many options
gives me a sense of a fake pride
keeps me confused
pain, it gives me just one reason – life.
give ‘em no character ‘n no purpose either
just teach ‘em to learn
keep ‘em confused
no desire to win, ‘n no fear to lose
just confused
a perfect soup
stir as you like
sip if you want
keep it in a cup
pour it to a bowl
there’s always more to add
there’s always more to spill
The sun dances in the sky
after the long cold winter
and he doesn’t want to go
the earth is waking up
slowly,
with a new look
and how beautiful she looks
the more he looks at her
the more beautiful she gets
and he doesn’t want to go
such is spring after winter
here in Norway
and i don’t want to go
the more i look at her
the better she gets everyday
and i can relate
is it ‘coz i admire her
that she’s getting beautiful?
i’ll never know
but for now,
i don’t want to go!
what goes in must come out
what is done shall be undone
every thing that happens
every fuckin event
is just another form of energy
constantly changing itself
and as is said
can never be created,
nor destroyed
So if u r happy all the time
u’d want to be sad
and if u’r sad all the time
u’r doomed to get mad
there’s nothing better
nothing worse
there’s a world in madness itself…
its just that we’re afraid to explore…
we are so much used to lies
in each and every moment of our lives
that it hurts each time
we hear the truth
if i am late,
i cannot say i was lazy
u’d probably like it
the other way
so i’d rather say
something came up
something more “important”
if you offer me
something to do
i cannot say
i don’t want to
u’d feel better
if i say
i’m workin on something else
something more “important”
so i always end up
doing this something else
this something more important
which means nothing to me
which just makes me a little more afraid
a little more guilty
a little more sad
if only i could sleep,
till 11 in the morning
and tell you that i slept over
instead of feeling bad the whole day
if only i could just sit
doing nothing
and not do what u ‘want’ me to
can i be honest and
not make u feel bad?
Well i’m trying to
get all these things
that have been troubling me
out of my head
and i’m dreaming
about them
everyday
final goodbye
i guess
that is what it is
i keep dreaming
what used to be
against me
and remind me
of the things
forgotten
on the way
but
lingering inside my head
troubling me all the time
now i know what it is
when i see a face
that i lost in this race
i’m turning back now
i’m turning around
just this one time
to say goodbye
to the ghosts of my past
my memories…
awakening me all night
all day
this last time
i’m letting my mind
watch them
through my dreams
for i cannot move on
with this burden
these whispers
at the back of my neck
this guilt
of “misdeeds”
lingering inside my head
and i’m dreaming
i’m seeing images
of things
that i’d left behind
but failed
the trails
i left
they followed
this
is a goodbye
now
i let you go
let me go
now
forever
for this looks like a new beginning…
I wish i hadn’t woken up tonight
like i always do,
chasing after you!
I can’t find my notes – my blind lines
neither my pen or a paper
to fight with the hurricane in my mind.
Been playin games,
on facebook for a while
and I’m getting dark ugly circles
under my eyes, and …
still, I can’t get to sleep!
Have to wake up again tomorrow,
2 am, in the dark,
and walk… 6 hours in the cold
helping people enjoy their tea
with news and business.
I have nothing to say.
I do what I have to,
I do what I can.
Many a times in my life,
I have thought of
a lot of things to do and …
I wind up in a different situation,
a different place.
Yet, I keep crowding my head
with all the nonsense
that steal my peace!
Well… that’s it…
The light above my head,
is burning my eyes,
I can’t get a dark night,
I can’t get a warm summer,
I can’t get to walk around, hoping to get lost.
Coz’ somehow, I’ve lost myself!
This city is strange,
and I, have become a stranger, to myself.
And this time, on the other side of the world,
for the first time in my life,
I’m missing home!
Hard wired in my brain:
Happiness is when you win.
But then I hate to win all the time –
Which is one way of saying that I’m lazy.
Happiness is when the people you love win…
If I listen to what you are going through,
I would rather work to make it right.
But i hate it when i have to listen to it all night!
I get no relief.
Relief is when people I don’t like have to get down on their knees
ask for forgiveness for all the things they have done
or at least not bother me.
So that i can relax and never fear being challenged again!
But then, when I want to get things right,
The conditions aren’t always right.
The situation fails me.
This is complicated!
Everything else is trouble!
Which appears to be the simpler.
So I keep myself troubled all the time.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it’s mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.
